This is an experiment where I try to write my thoughts in a public forum that hopefully can't end up biting me in the butt. I hope to share this with people I trust without any personal information that someone could run across via the blog. I had a bad experience over a year ago where an employer read my blog through some unknown channel and used personal medical information against me to attack my character and as ammunition to fire me. Beyond the sliminess of this particular person, it shaked my trust in people in general because (I guess I was naive) I never thought someone would use something that is personal in spirit, although is in a public arena, against someone else. Perhaps this is because I have a love of writing and appreciation of how hard and brave it is to share anything through writing and it would never occur to me to use a blog entry in a work situation. Plus, I am very private about my medical issues and feel ashamed about how it affects my day to day life and when it was used against me, I wasn't even sure how to defend myself. By now, I would think that people being mean to me wouldn't be such a surprise, but I am never prepared for it.
Anyway, I am going to start with baby steps because I am still traumatized by this experience--it has affected me in real life too. Since I was burned in this way I have been much more private, even though I already am an introvert by nature. In the past, I tended to be open and trusting, although shy, and in this past year I have avoided some discussions about my private life or changed the subject in order to not put myself at risk. So, even in this sort of safe environment, I feel the need to protect myself--however, I think that shutting down completely is not the solution either, and I do need an outlet to express myself and it isn't fair that one mean person can stop that healthy desire.
This is especially true because I have not made any friends where we live who have proved to be trustworthy in terms of these sensitive subjects. Part of the problem is that the way I have made friends in the past has been through work or school, and at the schools I have taught at in the past few years up North, I have not wanted my private information to spread or be used against me. Part of this is justified, part of this is paranoia. It is hard for me to make friends because of my shyness, and I have worked in environments where people are competitive -- where resources are sparse, protections aren't shared by everyone, and the employer/employee relationship is under stress. Also, being the new person doesn't help--especially in a profession where there is no tenure and there is a rotating door...often, people don't want to invest in knowing me (or anyone else) because of this temporary nature. Plus, I really think there is a cultural coldness--perhaps influenced by the weather--in the North, especially in a rural area where I am that contributes to my inability to form trusting situations. The communities here are very insular, and I am used to urban environment where people are used to strangers. All this has made me lonely--and realistically, I haven't had a chance to literally go outside that much this past winter to even interact with people...just going to the store has been troublesome due to the really hard winter we had.
My husband has been good about being my best friend, but I know he gets overwhelmed by being my main source of companionship. He is also very protective and doesn't want to see me hurt by friends, and so in a way he is even more wary of my risking myself and can be overprotective. I know I feel the same about him, but he is by nature more extroverted and yet also more apt to keep people at a distance than I am.
Anyway, this has been a very good first step in opening up in a protected environment.
